Tuesday, February 28, 2006


Yesterday was funky..today was shitty... what is going on with my week? I swear it is sucking so hard. The baby sitter was supposed to come today...at 10. I had an appointment at 1 to go and have my hair cut. I haven't had a day of "beauty" since right after Kenzie was born.

So at 10 the sitter calls and cancels on me. She was supposed to be someone who would come and help me out once or twice a week, she ended up being able to come only once like every two weeks and now she cancels. So.....another day at home. No time for me. No fun time alone for me. I feel selfish sometimes wanting it, but dammit I'm not being selfish. A couple of hours away from the girls is not asking too much.

I know why I'm freaking out so much, it's cause I don't ever get time away from the babies!!!!! It's such a little thing...and you wouldn't think it would matter so much. You would think that a mommy would want to be with her children as much as possible, but that's not true.

Everyone needs some time to themselves. To relax and not worry about stuff around the house. I don't want to have a time away from the girls to go and do a load of laundry, or sort through their clothes... or go to the fucking grocery store. I want to go to the library and sit down and read. I want to go get my hair cut. I want to go for a drive on a sunny day with the windows down.. *not likely while it's so cold*

I felt the urge for a cigarrette today more than I have in forever. I just wanted to go and buy a pack of them and sit down and slowly unwrap the plastic from around the box......pop the top plastic off and pull the bottom plastic off. Pop that little perforation that holds the lid down over the cigarrettes and then flip the lid open. Looking at those perfect rows of little white round sticks. Cancer just waiting to fill your lungs.... Smacking the pack against my hand to get one to slide out further than the other and slowly pulling it out of the pack as it makes a nice slithery sound.

The taste of the filter as I place it between my lips and hear and feel the flick of the lighter. The warmth of the small fire as I touch it to the end of the cigarrette..breathing in that first taste. mmmmmmmmmmmm.... It's the ritual I miss... Ugh..

but smoking is so gross for you.... I could never do it again..I'm so much healthier now..that just doesn't mean I don't miss it sometimes...*sighs* why does something I like so much have to be sooooooo bad for you!!!

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