It has definitely been longer than a week. I need to make a stronger effort to write. It seems I only get the time to write on my iPad now and typing on this thing is a pain!

I shall try to make it work.

It is Sunday and I believe this used to be "Poetry" day. I have not written anything creative in so long. I start things in my head but never committ them to paper.

Something else I need to work on as well!
Let 's see what is going on in my life? We are taking the girls to Disney Worldvsoon. Should be lots of fun, right? It is but it is stressful too. Lots of activity and Brad usually wants to keep going when the rest of us are ready for a break. He usuallynneeds one too he just doesn't realize he is tired too. We hadvavBLAST last time though!
Brad and I are starting the process of looking for some land to build our own home. We have decided that we ARE going to stay here awhile.(duh!) although we have put a lot of work into this house we realize that it is never going to be what we really want SO, we are going to build what we want. Scary endeavor we are starting!
I'm done for now! Hopefully, I'll be back here soon.

Are you a "Lost Mom"?

I am coining a new phrase: "Lost Mom". Definition: A mom who has lost that which made her "her" due to the daily demands of motherhood.

I think I am a Lost Mom. I think all the time about what I would like to do and wonder why I don't do it anymore...and then I go back to doing whatever it is I was doing before I had the thought. And if you understood that, then kudos to you!

I feel like that I am ONLY known as a mom now. Kenzie and Lyanna's mom: that's me. What happened to all the other things that used to define who I was? I have so many interests, so many things I'd like to be doing. I just don't seem to be able to make the time to do them. I always have to put my kids, my husband, my pets and anybody or anything else before myself and my needs.

I wonder sometimes what am I passionate about now? I mean, besides my family? When the girls are both going to school full days next year how am I going to spend my days. I don't want to be doing the drugery housework all the time. Sure, I could do laundry, vacuum everyday, clean the bathrooms, bake, clean up the house....but not everyday all the time. I know I will be volunteering at school and doing things for the girls. But honestly, I don't want that to be my whole life. I want to have other things to do besides those.

I am trying to develop new hobbies/interests. I was taking a tap dance class. Not anymore....
I am taking riding lessons and I LOVE it! I know Kenzie and I should be spending more time with it, but we are not able to do so. There isn't any time for those things because I have to take kids to school, make breakfasts, pick kids up, take dogs out, take dogs in, feed dogs, feed cats, make lunches, drive kids around, go to dance class, go to girl scouts, go to doctors appointments, make dinners, give baths, do laundry, make beds, drive kids around more, ...etc... It is never ending. I know I could squeeze some "me" time in there somewhere, but it's just so much easier to just give in and put myself last.

I have a hard time finding me around the house. Where are the things that show my personality in our home? I have some of my unicorns on my dresser. (I really like fantasy & collected unicorns since I was a little girl) There are a few pictures hanging up that were mine from before our marriage. My teapot collection is in our kitchen. My doll cabinet is in our parlour.... but sometimes I really feel like I'm not here...

What were the things that made me "Me" before kids? What WAS I passionate about?

READING! I read voraciously....three or four books at a time. I AM doing more of that now, and I do make time for it, but I feel guilty about it alot of the time. What did I read? Fantasy, Horror, Classics (I was an English major and teacher), Mythology, Science Fiction. Those were my favorite genres. I read a large group of authors. I would go to the library or the book store and just browse the shelf and pick up or buy whatever caught my interest. I could spend hours getting lost in the books. I also read comics. Lots of Marvel: X-men, Fantastic Four, Daredevil, Wolverine...most of the other X books. I read a lot of graphic novels too. Gave that up(comics), but have wandered into the local comic book store here a few times. I just don't know where to begin now... I loved having my favorite books around me. I had three or four different bookshelves with all my books. There is one bookshelf here....it is packed three books deep and it's not much. Most of my books are out in our barn..with my other stuff. I can't wait to get some shelves built in our house so I can bring them in and rescue them from storage!! It's like having friends right next door but you aren't allowed to talk to them anymore.

FANTASY! Before I moved away I had a lot of fantasy type artwork and just things in my home. Picture in my home like Waterhouse's "The Lady of Shalott". I had other prints like "St. George and the Dragon", "The White Girl", ...I had two very old prints that had come from my great aunt's plantation that were very Greek temple looking, had a mythological feel to them. I had strange little nic nacs like fairies, unicorns, dragons, little carved boxes and vases...it was just a certain "feel" to the place that is totally gone now. Maybe that seems kind of strange to some of you, but they were things that I had collected over the years or that people had given to me as gifts. Very eclectic, but very "me". I am such a wierdo geeky nerd! I laugh at myself about it though. Fits in with the reading genres, comics and my movie preferences as well.

WRITING! Before kids, I wrote almost everyday. I mean really, everyday. I started journaling when I was twelve. I have tons of things I have written. I have just boring 'this was my day today' stuff and then I have stories, and poems, and essays. Now, I'm doing well to write in this blog once a week! but I am writing in it again....and that's better than not writing at all! It's just so hard to find the time to sit down and collect my thoughts and write. (I am writing this at midnight after everyone else has gone to bed) I miss writing so much. I wrote every night before going to bed. It might not have been anything more than a paragraph, but it always helped me to shut down my thoughts for the night so I could sleep. I think that's why I have such a hard time with insomnia now. I have too many thoughts still running around that should be down on paper.

I used to love to go exploring the crazy old junk stores, antique stores, and second hand stores. Alot of the cool things I had were "found" treasures. I like old things, vintage clothing, old furniture.... I miss my old furniture. We have some really nice antique pieces here in our home that were passed down to us. I love them too. I just miss having that time to go explore. It will come again I know...I'm just being impatient.

I used to watch t.v. shows. Now, by the time I get the kids in bed and get back downstairs, the shows I want to watch are over, Brad wants to watch a movie, or just go to bed. One of the problems is, he doesn't like the same kind of shows I do. I'm not sure what kind of shows he does like. We were getting series on Netflix to watch and the only one we ever finished was the Sopranos. We started 24 but we both decided at Season 7? that we were done with that one. We were watching Lost but stopped when they went back to civilization. Can't get him to watch anymore. We started watching Heroes but he lost interest in that too. Tried to watch "V"..nope, watched True Blood, nope. Have tried to get him to watch American Idol..nope, Glee..nope, Arrested Development..nope. He says everything is stupid...and I wonder where Kenzie gets that phrase....duh! I loved watching "adult" cartoonslike South Park, King of the Hill, The Simpsons.... He can't stand them. It's so frustratingly difficult to find some common ground. I suppose I could DVR the shows I wanted to watch but then when am I supposed to watch them? And what fun is it to watch something by yourself and not have anyone to talk with about what you just watched...ugh!

I used to love to cook. I'm not even going into that one....

I also used to cross stitch and just do some crafty type stuff now and then. It's just hard to do that kind of stuff with the girls around. They are just too curious and want to get into everything.

I was a teacher before moving to Ohio. I taught English Grammar and Literature. I've also taught classes in Creative Writing and Classical Mythology. I loved teaching, I loved my kids. I miss being in the classroom. I taught for almost 6 years and during that time I taught different age groups. 12th grade one year, 11th grade two years, 9th grade one year, 7th and 8th for 4 years. I loved the middle school age kids the best. They were old enought to grasp some adult concepts and still young enough to do "fun" stuff. I suppose I could always go back to teaching, but I'm just not sure I want to have to deal with all the other things that go with teaching. If I could just go in the classroom and do the teaching I'd do it in a heartbeat. It's all the other junk you have to deal with that I don't want again. I'm pretty positive that I WILL sign up to substitute. It's not really the same, but it would still be something close.

I don't know, as the girls get older and begin to be more independant I'm sure I will "find" part of myself again. It's just so hard sometimes to be on "hold".

I got the I don't want to write Blue's

My friend contacted me over Facebook today and wanted to know when I was going to start blogging again. I told her I didn't know. I wasn't enjoying writing anymore right now. It doesn't bring me the joy that it used to bring. I can't really explain it to anyone. I like to write and I miss it, but the effort it takes to work writing into my daily madness of children, snow, dogs, dinners, taxiing, exercise, cleaning, and whatever else happens to pop up just seems too much.

I am writing now because I have already given my children a bath, cooked dinner, done the dishes, and my husband is "out with the boys".

Writing has always been cathartic for me. It helps me get my thoughts and feelings in line. Maybe that's one of the reasons my anxiety levels have increased over the past year instead of decreasing. (among other things) When you take a majority of what you enjoy doing out of your life it would stand to reason that your sanity would be a little off kilter. (Not saying that I'm crazy, but I AM a little crazy.....isn't that part of my blog's title? HA!)

So, Here I am writing. Let's see if I can do it on a regular basis and let's see if it helps me out at all.

The thing that is most on my mind tonight. Snow. I hate it right now. I used to think snow was pretty cool. Not so much anymore. I can not tell you the last time my youngest child went to pre-school. We have had so many snow days now I think we will be going to school til July. It wouldn't be so bad if there was something to do here, or somewhere to go. I could take the girls to the mall to play or to the indoor play area at McD's. The only problem with those places is that they are germ havens. Everytime we have gone to either place one of the girls has ended up puking her guts out that night or the next day. I really don't want to deal with that.

We have sledded, walked, had snowball fights, and made snow angels. The thrill is gone. It is beautiful, I will give it that. I'm just over it now, and need some distance. I think if it didn't snow again until next December I would be okay then.

I have cabin fever and I'm sick of having the kids here all day. They are driving me and each other crazy and I know I make them crazy too. I want my schedule back!!! And sunshine, I'd like some sunshine please! I'm putting in my order to God right now. An order of sunshine and temperatures above freezing on the fly! Let's 86 snow for the season.....

I'll Give it a Try.....Something New For Me to Do

I am working on a story for you guys to read. Don't know how it's going to turn out.. It's kind of dorky where it stands now, but I got an idea and I'm rolling with it. I'll get it up sometime soon.

Thinking I'm going to join the Manic Monday writing thingy... If you read E-Dog's Everything Page then you know what I'm talking about. If you don't read then heres the linky-poo. Manic Monday

I need something to get me more creative again. I need to get the muses talking to me again. I've just gotten so lost in "Mommy-world" that I've got to do some things to get me out of it sometimes. I think maybe Manic Monday will help. Who knows..... a story and a challenge. What's the world coming to?

I've also been reading a lot of people's blogs with recipes. Diner Girl has quite the La Ti Dah site going with her French Laundry blog. Fine dining at it's best if you live in her neighborhood. I REALLY wish I lived next door to her. I also read blogs with recipes for things with no eggs and nuts. *Lyanna's allergies*...Gotten some good ideas from those as well... AND... I have been cooking up lots of good veggie dishes with the bountiful harvests from the garden this year.

SO...I thought what the hell. I'll start putting up some of my favorite recipes. Now they aren't going to be gourmet dishes. Most of them are going to be just good ole homecooking *more than likely southern dishes*. They aren't fancy but they are good and you can make them yourself at home without anything too out of the ordinary.

I'm going to start ya'll out with my recipe for homemade salsa. Almost all the fresh ingredients are out of my own garden. I'll even give ya a picture of the finished product. You must try this at home! And please.....go ahead and double the batch, you'll be glad you did.

Homemade Tomato Salsa

Ingredients:

6 Plum Tomatos, Seeded and Diced
1/2 Cup Diced Yellow Onion
* 1 Jalapeno, Seeded and Diced (Cover Your Hands!)*
2 Cloves of Garlic, Minced
2 Tablespoons Chopped Fresh Parsley
1 Tablespoon Minced Fresh Cilantro
1 Teaspoon Crushed Dried Oregano (I use fresh out of my garden)
2 Tablespoons Olive Oil
1 Tablespoon Red Wine Vinegar
1/2 Teaspoon Salt
1/8 Teaspoon Black Pepper

I use a food processor to dice the tomatos first.
Put the diced tomatos in a medium size bowl, large if you double the recipe.
Then I dice the onions.
Add them to the tomatos.
Finally I use it to chop the garlic, parsley, cilantro and oregano all at once.
Add this mixture to the tomatos and onion.
Mix in the oil, vinegar, salt and pepper.
You can eat it immediately but it tastes oh so much better if you refrigerate the salsa for at least an hour.

Serve it up with chips, veggies, tacos...etc.

*Hot peppers contain oils that can burn your eyes, lips, and skin. Cover one or both hands with plastic gloves or bags. Be sure to wash your hands thoroughly before touching your eyes or face!!!*

My peppers from the garden are so hot, that I have to hold my breath while cutting and seeding them or I end up in a coughing fit.


Anyhow...that's it. Yummy yummy yummy! I can't hardly keep any in the fridge we eat it so fast. If you try it, please let me know what you think.

Whatever

Well, in my attempt to quit being so blah right now I have started writing again in the RP game I used to play. Made up a totally new character and started completely from scratch. I think it's a good start. I have a lot of stories in my head, I just tend to think them up while I'm in bed trying to fall asleep and by the time I get up in the morning I forget them. I know I should drag my butt out of bed and write them down..... I would just turn on my light and write them down but my hubby tends to get pissed when I turn on the light and wake him up. I'm too lazy to get all the way up out of bed because when I get in bed I'm there, and I don't want to get out until the sun is coming up. I LOVE my sleep.

I have trouble with bouts of insomnia, I have two children under the age of 3, and I have the bladder of a woman who has had two kids in two years..... sleep is precious. That is why I don't get up.

I have a really good idea for a horror story floating around in my head. I've been tossing around ideas for about a year or more now. I just can't seem to get it started. Just ideas.... I'm horrible with trying to come up with anything more than a short story.

I forgot how much the show COPS cracks me up. It's hard to believe that people like this exist....