Tuesday, February 01, 2011

Are you a "Lost Mom"?

I am coining a new phrase: "Lost Mom". Definition: A mom who has lost that which made her "her" due to the daily demands of motherhood.

I think I am a Lost Mom. I think all the time about what I would like to do and wonder why I don't do it anymore...and then I go back to doing whatever it is I was doing before I had the thought. And if you understood that, then kudos to you!

I feel like that I am ONLY known as a mom now. Kenzie and Lyanna's mom: that's me. What happened to all the other things that used to define who I was? I have so many interests, so many things I'd like to be doing. I just don't seem to be able to make the time to do them. I always have to put my kids, my husband, my pets and anybody or anything else before myself and my needs.

I wonder sometimes what am I passionate about now? I mean, besides my family? When the girls are both going to school full days next year how am I going to spend my days. I don't want to be doing the drugery housework all the time. Sure, I could do laundry, vacuum everyday, clean the bathrooms, bake, clean up the house....but not everyday all the time. I know I will be volunteering at school and doing things for the girls. But honestly, I don't want that to be my whole life. I want to have other things to do besides those.

I am trying to develop new hobbies/interests. I was taking a tap dance class. Not anymore....
I am taking riding lessons and I LOVE it! I know Kenzie and I should be spending more time with it, but we are not able to do so. There isn't any time for those things because I have to take kids to school, make breakfasts, pick kids up, take dogs out, take dogs in, feed dogs, feed cats, make lunches, drive kids around, go to dance class, go to girl scouts, go to doctors appointments, make dinners, give baths, do laundry, make beds, drive kids around more, ...etc... It is never ending. I know I could squeeze some "me" time in there somewhere, but it's just so much easier to just give in and put myself last.

I have a hard time finding me around the house. Where are the things that show my personality in our home? I have some of my unicorns on my dresser. (I really like fantasy & collected unicorns since I was a little girl) There are a few pictures hanging up that were mine from before our marriage. My teapot collection is in our kitchen. My doll cabinet is in our parlour.... but sometimes I really feel like I'm not here...

What were the things that made me "Me" before kids? What WAS I passionate about?

READING! I read voraciously....three or four books at a time. I AM doing more of that now, and I do make time for it, but I feel guilty about it alot of the time. What did I read? Fantasy, Horror, Classics (I was an English major and teacher), Mythology, Science Fiction. Those were my favorite genres. I read a large group of authors. I would go to the library or the book store and just browse the shelf and pick up or buy whatever caught my interest. I could spend hours getting lost in the books. I also read comics. Lots of Marvel: X-men, Fantastic Four, Daredevil, Wolverine...most of the other X books. I read a lot of graphic novels too. Gave that up(comics), but have wandered into the local comic book store here a few times. I just don't know where to begin now... I loved having my favorite books around me. I had three or four different bookshelves with all my books. There is one bookshelf here....it is packed three books deep and it's not much. Most of my books are out in our barn..with my other stuff. I can't wait to get some shelves built in our house so I can bring them in and rescue them from storage!! It's like having friends right next door but you aren't allowed to talk to them anymore.

FANTASY! Before I moved away I had a lot of fantasy type artwork and just things in my home. Picture in my home like Waterhouse's "The Lady of Shalott". I had other prints like "St. George and the Dragon", "The White Girl", ...I had two very old prints that had come from my great aunt's plantation that were very Greek temple looking, had a mythological feel to them. I had strange little nic nacs like fairies, unicorns, dragons, little carved boxes and vases...it was just a certain "feel" to the place that is totally gone now. Maybe that seems kind of strange to some of you, but they were things that I had collected over the years or that people had given to me as gifts. Very eclectic, but very "me". I am such a wierdo geeky nerd! I laugh at myself about it though. Fits in with the reading genres, comics and my movie preferences as well.

WRITING! Before kids, I wrote almost everyday. I mean really, everyday. I started journaling when I was twelve. I have tons of things I have written. I have just boring 'this was my day today' stuff and then I have stories, and poems, and essays. Now, I'm doing well to write in this blog once a week! but I am writing in it again....and that's better than not writing at all! It's just so hard to find the time to sit down and collect my thoughts and write. (I am writing this at midnight after everyone else has gone to bed) I miss writing so much. I wrote every night before going to bed. It might not have been anything more than a paragraph, but it always helped me to shut down my thoughts for the night so I could sleep. I think that's why I have such a hard time with insomnia now. I have too many thoughts still running around that should be down on paper.

I used to love to go exploring the crazy old junk stores, antique stores, and second hand stores. Alot of the cool things I had were "found" treasures. I like old things, vintage clothing, old furniture.... I miss my old furniture. We have some really nice antique pieces here in our home that were passed down to us. I love them too. I just miss having that time to go explore. It will come again I know...I'm just being impatient.

I used to watch t.v. shows. Now, by the time I get the kids in bed and get back downstairs, the shows I want to watch are over, Brad wants to watch a movie, or just go to bed. One of the problems is, he doesn't like the same kind of shows I do. I'm not sure what kind of shows he does like. We were getting series on Netflix to watch and the only one we ever finished was the Sopranos. We started 24 but we both decided at Season 7? that we were done with that one. We were watching Lost but stopped when they went back to civilization. Can't get him to watch anymore. We started watching Heroes but he lost interest in that too. Tried to watch "V"..nope, watched True Blood, nope. Have tried to get him to watch American Idol..nope, Glee..nope, Arrested Development..nope. He says everything is stupid...and I wonder where Kenzie gets that phrase....duh! I loved watching "adult" cartoonslike South Park, King of the Hill, The Simpsons.... He can't stand them. It's so frustratingly difficult to find some common ground. I suppose I could DVR the shows I wanted to watch but then when am I supposed to watch them? And what fun is it to watch something by yourself and not have anyone to talk with about what you just watched...ugh!

I used to love to cook. I'm not even going into that one....

I also used to cross stitch and just do some crafty type stuff now and then. It's just hard to do that kind of stuff with the girls around. They are just too curious and want to get into everything.

I was a teacher before moving to Ohio. I taught English Grammar and Literature. I've also taught classes in Creative Writing and Classical Mythology. I loved teaching, I loved my kids. I miss being in the classroom. I taught for almost 6 years and during that time I taught different age groups. 12th grade one year, 11th grade two years, 9th grade one year, 7th and 8th for 4 years. I loved the middle school age kids the best. They were old enought to grasp some adult concepts and still young enough to do "fun" stuff. I suppose I could always go back to teaching, but I'm just not sure I want to have to deal with all the other things that go with teaching. If I could just go in the classroom and do the teaching I'd do it in a heartbeat. It's all the other junk you have to deal with that I don't want again. I'm pretty positive that I WILL sign up to substitute. It's not really the same, but it would still be something close.

I don't know, as the girls get older and begin to be more independant I'm sure I will "find" part of myself again. It's just so hard sometimes to be on "hold".

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Fort Rapids and Disney!

Sorry no poetry today!

Took the girls on a weekend adventure. We left Friday around noon (the girls had a snow day) for Columbus. Brad and I had booked a room at the indoor water park called Fort Rapids. We had spent a good wile of Thursday evening reading the reviews on this water ranch and we were a little apprehensive about what we might find. The reviews were overall good, but there were a few that made us nervous. Tales of bedbugs, poor service, rude guests, run down atmosphere, and bad food....but we were keeping a positive outlook.

We got there, checked in, and Brad went to scope out the room. Came back and told us that everything was fine, and it was. The lobby looked like a western style lodge: lots of wood, a huge fireplace, western style pictures on the walls. The staff was extremely friendly and we got up to our room with no problems. Changed clothes and hit the water park.

It was perfect for the kids! There was a kiddie pool with games and slides that the girls spent most of their time wading around in. In the middle was this big tower thing that had stairs all around, lots of spraying water, slides of all shapes and sizes, rope bridges....it was really cool. There was also a lazy river and then the big kid slides.

We stayed til around 5pm and then went upstairs to get changed. The girls didn't know it but we had also gotten tickets for Disney on Ice "Princess Classics". I had packed their princess dresses so they could be their favorite princesses for the show. Lyanna is always Sleeping Beauty and Kenzie is Belle.

They were so excited and the show was great! We have been to two other Disney on Ice shows and this was the best one by far. The skaters were very good and the props, scenes and music and lighting was awesome.

An absolutely wonderful way to spend a freezing Friday night in Ohio. Went back to Fort Rapids, had a late night dinner in the dining room and went to bed. (Very uneventful) The only complaint we really had was the kids the next morning running around in the hallways who woke us up. But that wasn't the hotels fault, that was some poor parenting on someone's part.

Spent the next day back at the water park. It was 16 degrees out side and we were having a ball in the water! Poor Kenzie got stuck in one of the tubes and had to be rescued by one of the lifeguards but other than that the girls had a lot of fun. Lyanna did NOT want to leave.

I'm glad we went, we were not disappointed at all. It made for a great wintry get away close to home.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Snow & Movies

What is going on in Hollywood these days? It seems to me that the studios today are going for quantity and not quality. They suck in the masses with their flashy previews full of promises of great action, high drama, suspense...and then fail to deliver the goods.
I swear I am so sick of sitting down to watch a movie and then half way through being so disappointed that it doesn't even bother me to turn it off and go do something else.
Now not all of today's movies are that bad. There are some that still make the movie experience worthwhile. Some people may not agree with my opinions, but I think I have pretty good taste in what is or isn't a good movie.
When I sit down to watch a movie I want to escape. I want to be taken away and fall into the story. I want to get so involved in the story that I forget that I'm sitting in a movie theater or in my basement at home. Not many movies today do that for me.

What has gotten me on this rant tonight? Just finished watching "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" with Kenzie and Brad. Cool concept, terrible movie. The main character "Dave" was painful to watch. He was such a whiner you could hardly understand him...and Nick Cage...what a waste of a good actor. I like the funny Nick Cage, not the action Nick Cage. I could watch Raising Arizona a million times, but this movie...not his finest at all. There was some cool special effects but honestly that was about it. BLeh....capitalizing on a Disney classic cartoon and taking what could have been a really cool story and just letting it fall flat. BUT..I'm sure the studio got their money.

Now, on the other hand I watched another movie with the girls the other day that I really liked. "Percy Jackson and the Olympians. The Lightening Theif" Since I was watching it with the girls, there were several times I was interrupted or had to get up and pause the movie. Even with those interruptions I was engrossed in the story. The actors were decent, even a cameo by Uma Thurman. It was cute and entertaining. I want to watch it again without the girls.

I don't know...maybe I'm being to harsh.

On another note: It snowed pretty heavily today. I bet we got around 5 inches. Went outside around 10pm to take a walk down my street. It was absolutely gorgeous out. God is such a wonderful artist. I don't care how annoying snow can be, it is still so very beautiful.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

An Old Story and Catching Up for the Week.

Well, I was doing really well. Posted 3 days in a row and then it hit me...the January we got too much snow on the ground and I been in the house with my kids for four days in a row blues. Just got a case of the winter blahs. They come and go with me. I just need a good long day in the sunshine.

Everyone is better now. No more sickness. We had a good time during our sick days even though we were cooped up for almost a whole week. I love sledding down our hill. I wish I could get some of our friends to come over and sled with us. The only issue is making sure you don't go too far and into the woods over the drop off.

In the spirit of keeping up, since I missed Flashback Friday, I am going to attach a previous post here because I think some of you would enjoy this story I wrote. It is pretty funny and if you haven't read it READ IT, and if you have READ IT AGAIN! Ha!!

BATS: Part 1

Monday, January 10, 2011

Just a Monday

Have had two bouts of sickness this weekend. Friday night Lyanna was up til 4am losing it out both ends. Lovely... Last night Kenzie came into our room around 2am crying and saying she had a bad dream. I let her get in bed with me and she was burning up. Took her temp and it was 103.4. Poor thing, no wonder she had a bad dream. Gave her some Motrin and a cool washcloth for her forehead and lay down with her.
Her temp went down but ended up getting up and rocking for a while and telling a new story about "Mittens" the six toed cat. I think I got to sleep around 4 am again, but in Kenzie's bed so it wasn't all that great.
There was no school today so Kenz didn't have to miss a day of school. My wonderful friend Crysta took Lyanna to Mc Germ World for lunch with her little boy and some of our other mom friends. I was so thankful because Lyanna needed to get out of the house and play some.
Other than that..went to the grocery store. Big exciting day.

Now, watching the National Championship Game. Have to root for the SEC. Go Auburn!! That will be one of the only times you will ever hear me say that.

How many glowsticks do you think Oregon goes through? I really dig their neon green. Is there anyone else that uses that as a color besides Oregon and Seattle?

Sunday, January 09, 2011

Poetry Sunday

Playing Just Dance 2 with my girls and Brad...well Brad did one dance with us.

I am sweating...Body Movin' (Fat Boy Slim mix) kicks my booty!
We are having fun though. Girls don't have school tomorrow for a teacher work day so I told them we would stay up and play. They crack me up playing this.

Today is supposed to be poetry Sunday..so I suppose I should blog something poetic. Haven't really got anything new, but have some things running around in my head.

It has to do with going home and all the feelings associated with that experience. Not just going home to family but going to where you grew up and seeing people you grew up with and going places you went to and how it makes you feel now...now that you are older and have been away for a long time.

What is it about going home?
That something that creeps
into your conscious again.
That something that brings
back old feelings.
Nostalgia isn't right,
it's not that easy
it's not that nice.
Not always.

Well that is a start...

Had a good day today. Got up and went to church, then to our favorite Mexican restaurant for lunch. Came home and worked on getting rid of old stuff and making way for the new. I have decided that we desperately need a play room. There are justs too much toys for the girls now and I'm tired of my living room being a catastrophe! So..I see bunk beds and a shared room in the girls' future!!

Saturday, January 08, 2011

What I Am Planning..and some other stuffage

I've been reading through this blog and refreshing my memory on what I had been doing before. There are a couple of things I'd like to start doing again.

1. Flashback Friday
2. Poetry Sunday
3. Food Thursday

At least that will give me three solid topics to write about on those days. Maybe. Ha! I seem to have a bad record of not keeping up with what I say I want to do....best laid plans and all.

Watching the playoff games with Brad. We put up all the Christmas decorations today. Got it all boxed up and ready to go to the barn. Taking it to the barn is gonna have to wait though. Brad can't get it down there til the snow melts. We got our second really good snow last night and today. Here is a video of the "white out".

Lyanna was sick last night. I was up with her til around 4 am. She was having issues at both ends. It was not pretty at all! So...we did not go out and play today. We had a nice crazy day inside!

I have alot of things I want to write about. I'm gonna try and list them so I don't forget. Maybe I'll get to all of them this year.

1. My trip home at Christmas
2. Our cruise to Jamaica/Gran Cayman
3. Following the Scorps this past summer
4. Being 40 for six months!

I think I'm done for tonight. Gonna watch the game some and put the girls to bed!

Thursday, January 06, 2011

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year: 2011!
So far it has been kinda bleh. Gotta talk about my Arkansas Razorbacks.

Arkansas played Ohio State in the Sugar Bowl this year. It was Arkansas' first BCS bowl. Needless to say Brad and I were really excited about the game. Brad even went down to New Orleans for the game. Unfortunately, I had to stay up here in Ohio with the girls. We didn't have anyone for them to stay with and they had school anyway...so I was stuck.
I'm sort of glad that I didn't get to go now.

The game was a heartbreaker.

The Buckeyes definitely had our number in the 1st half. We couldn't catch a ball, we couldn't get a pass off...their defense was on us. I was questioning what team Coach Petrino had brought to the Big Easy. It sure didn't look like the team I had watched TrOmP all over LSU.
But the 2nd half was so much better. Our defense finally showed up. We had the game won. Over a minute left and we had the ball. .....then Mallet threw an interception. UGH!!! Game over!! It was sickening to watch.

I wouldn't feel so upset about it if we lost with a bad team. Arkansas has had some really crappy teams in the past years. But this team was doing so well! There was no reason we couldn't have beaten Ohio. It hurt to know that people all over the US were watching that game and seeing the poor performance of our team. That just wasn't us. I've never seen so many dropped passes! Excruciating!
I'm wondering if the guys all went out on Bourbon St. that day or something...

Most of our friends up here have been pretty decent about our loss so far. I am trying to just not talk about it too much. Ugh!!

No matter what, I love my home state. I love my Razorbacks. I know we can do it again next year and we can WIN!