Tuesday, February 28, 2006


Yesterday was funky..today was shitty... what is going on with my week? I swear it is sucking so hard. The baby sitter was supposed to come today...at 10. I had an appointment at 1 to go and have my hair cut. I haven't had a day of "beauty" since right after Kenzie was born.

So at 10 the sitter calls and cancels on me. She was supposed to be someone who would come and help me out once or twice a week, she ended up being able to come only once like every two weeks and now she cancels. So.....another day at home. No time for me. No fun time alone for me. I feel selfish sometimes wanting it, but dammit I'm not being selfish. A couple of hours away from the girls is not asking too much.

I know why I'm freaking out so much, it's cause I don't ever get time away from the babies!!!!! It's such a little thing...and you wouldn't think it would matter so much. You would think that a mommy would want to be with her children as much as possible, but that's not true.

Everyone needs some time to themselves. To relax and not worry about stuff around the house. I don't want to have a time away from the girls to go and do a load of laundry, or sort through their clothes... or go to the fucking grocery store. I want to go to the library and sit down and read. I want to go get my hair cut. I want to go for a drive on a sunny day with the windows down.. *not likely while it's so cold*

I felt the urge for a cigarrette today more than I have in forever. I just wanted to go and buy a pack of them and sit down and slowly unwrap the plastic from around the box......pop the top plastic off and pull the bottom plastic off. Pop that little perforation that holds the lid down over the cigarrettes and then flip the lid open. Looking at those perfect rows of little white round sticks. Cancer just waiting to fill your lungs.... Smacking the pack against my hand to get one to slide out further than the other and slowly pulling it out of the pack as it makes a nice slithery sound.

The taste of the filter as I place it between my lips and hear and feel the flick of the lighter. The warmth of the small fire as I touch it to the end of the cigarrette..breathing in that first taste. mmmmmmmmmmmm.... It's the ritual I miss... Ugh..

but smoking is so gross for you.... I could never do it again..I'm so much healthier now..that just doesn't mean I don't miss it sometimes...*sighs* why does something I like so much have to be sooooooo bad for you!!!

Monday, February 27, 2006

Funky Day

Today was truly a funky day. I'm still not getting much sleep. Lyanna keeps waking up every 3 hours or so, and Kenzie for some reason is waking up at night again. Kenzie usually falls right back to sleep but not always. I find myself juggling children at 3 am. Brad helps, he gets up and makes bottles for Lyanna. Which is a great help, because if he didn't she'd end up screaming her head off.

One night of un interrupted sleep will be sooooooo freaking nice. So..I got up today, fed both the girls, watched some t.v. with them *Baby Einstein* of course. Then did my weights work out. Goofed off with the girls some but they are both sort of cranky today. Lyanna has a runny nose and Kenzie is cutting molars..ugh! Fixed them lunch and put KC down for a nap. Of course Lyanna doesn't want to sleep at all. She just wants to be held all day. So I end up carrying her around all afternoon. She finally takes a nap around 3:30. Just in time for Brad to come home and Kenzie to wake up...

I got no LeeAndra time today!!! I wanted to go and take a nice long bubble bath after dinner..went and ran the water...forgot the washing machine was on...no hot water for me. *much weeping and wailing* fucking figures. Nothing was working right for me today.

I'm hungry as hell, I want something sweet and very bad for me. Ice cream, candy bars, cookies, chocolate cake, doughnuts.....oooooooooooo Doughnuts from the place back home....my mouth is watering. Anything with lots and lots of sugar. Mmmmmmmmmm sugar.

I didn't lose any weight last week...still at 128lbs...ugh. That kinda bummed me out too. I should be hard core sticking to my diet cause of that but I only want to cheat on it more.

I just wish I had someone to go shopping with me...I miss my mom for that and Leahe. We always had a blast going shopping. Oh well... such is life.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Valentine's Day

Yesterday was Valentine's Day. You know what we did special? Absolutely nothing!!! Hee hee. I did get Brad a card from me and one from the girls. He got me a beautiful pink rose and a card from him and one from the girls. We both got the girls a balloon, and he got them a bear and a gorrilla. Very cute. Kenzie has been carrying around the stuffed animals all day.

The weather was so nice today I took the girls for a walk this morning. They love going for walks in the stroller. Kenzie just sings and kicks her feet.

Lyanna slept good last night!! She made it from 1 - 5:30!!!!! I couldn't believe it. But...I feel more tired today than I have in a long time. I actually fell asleep on the couch feeding her. Kenzie was so tired she fell asleep in her lunch. I mean literally face first into her plate. It was rather cute.

Friday, February 10, 2006

Soooo, I tried the drugs from the psychiatrist.... VERY VERY BAD!!! I totally freaked out on them. He started me out on 25mg of Zoloft. A very small amount, but it made me manic. I couldn't sit still, I couldn't focus my attention on anything, I was pacing around the house like mad. My head felt like it was full of cotton. Not cool, not cool at all. How do people do drugs that do that to them and function...or like it? It's beyond me. After that I decided I DO NOT want to take any drugs for my anxiety/depression.

I have ordered a light spectrum lamp. Maybe getting that "sunlight" will help me, and my diet and exercising should be helping some too. I'm not as bad as I was right after Lyanna was born. My psychologist says it's totally up to me and she thinks I will be fine without drugs, but I will still have panic attacks at times.

I also asked her about the "inner voice" of the girls. She says that since they are so little thy don't have the language to have that voice but they think in pictures...now how they can know that for a fact I don't know. I guess that's the "theory". It makes sense though.

Thursday, February 02, 2006


Not too much going on. At least I don't think there is. I went to the ob/gyn today. Everything is good she says. I have to go for my first mammogram in 3 months. I am a "mature" woman now, so says the nurse...whatever. Lyanna went to the doctor on Tuesday for her 4 month check up and shots. She weighs 14 pounds now. She is getting so big!!!

I'm still not getting good sleep at night. Lyanna wakes up every 2 hours wanting to eat. I've tried to put her back down without eating but she's not having it...it sucks very much cause I'm tired as hell. I'm still doing my workouts everyday and eating on my diet...I don't think it's working yet. According to the home scale I've lost almost 5 lbs. According the doctor's office scale I've lost 1. Sheesh!!!!

I go to the psychiatrist tomorrow...see if he wants me to start taking drugs for my post partem depression/anxiety. I'm feeling much better as time goes by, but I don't want to feel these anxious episodes...almost panic attacks anymore. That's not me! I used to be this totally outgoing person, I loved to go places and meet new people and just go out. Now I get freaked out if I have to leave the house most times....ugh! I hate feeling like that.

I just need to find my identity again. It's gotten lost and tied up with the babies and diapers and toys and cartoons and such... bleh!!!