Tuesday, February 01, 2011

Are you a "Lost Mom"?

I am coining a new phrase: "Lost Mom". Definition: A mom who has lost that which made her "her" due to the daily demands of motherhood.

I think I am a Lost Mom. I think all the time about what I would like to do and wonder why I don't do it anymore...and then I go back to doing whatever it is I was doing before I had the thought. And if you understood that, then kudos to you!

I feel like that I am ONLY known as a mom now. Kenzie and Lyanna's mom: that's me. What happened to all the other things that used to define who I was? I have so many interests, so many things I'd like to be doing. I just don't seem to be able to make the time to do them. I always have to put my kids, my husband, my pets and anybody or anything else before myself and my needs.

I wonder sometimes what am I passionate about now? I mean, besides my family? When the girls are both going to school full days next year how am I going to spend my days. I don't want to be doing the drugery housework all the time. Sure, I could do laundry, vacuum everyday, clean the bathrooms, bake, clean up the house....but not everyday all the time. I know I will be volunteering at school and doing things for the girls. But honestly, I don't want that to be my whole life. I want to have other things to do besides those.

I am trying to develop new hobbies/interests. I was taking a tap dance class. Not anymore....
I am taking riding lessons and I LOVE it! I know Kenzie and I should be spending more time with it, but we are not able to do so. There isn't any time for those things because I have to take kids to school, make breakfasts, pick kids up, take dogs out, take dogs in, feed dogs, feed cats, make lunches, drive kids around, go to dance class, go to girl scouts, go to doctors appointments, make dinners, give baths, do laundry, make beds, drive kids around more, ...etc... It is never ending. I know I could squeeze some "me" time in there somewhere, but it's just so much easier to just give in and put myself last.

I have a hard time finding me around the house. Where are the things that show my personality in our home? I have some of my unicorns on my dresser. (I really like fantasy & collected unicorns since I was a little girl) There are a few pictures hanging up that were mine from before our marriage. My teapot collection is in our kitchen. My doll cabinet is in our parlour.... but sometimes I really feel like I'm not here...

What were the things that made me "Me" before kids? What WAS I passionate about?

READING! I read voraciously....three or four books at a time. I AM doing more of that now, and I do make time for it, but I feel guilty about it alot of the time. What did I read? Fantasy, Horror, Classics (I was an English major and teacher), Mythology, Science Fiction. Those were my favorite genres. I read a large group of authors. I would go to the library or the book store and just browse the shelf and pick up or buy whatever caught my interest. I could spend hours getting lost in the books. I also read comics. Lots of Marvel: X-men, Fantastic Four, Daredevil, Wolverine...most of the other X books. I read a lot of graphic novels too. Gave that up(comics), but have wandered into the local comic book store here a few times. I just don't know where to begin now... I loved having my favorite books around me. I had three or four different bookshelves with all my books. There is one bookshelf here....it is packed three books deep and it's not much. Most of my books are out in our barn..with my other stuff. I can't wait to get some shelves built in our house so I can bring them in and rescue them from storage!! It's like having friends right next door but you aren't allowed to talk to them anymore.

FANTASY! Before I moved away I had a lot of fantasy type artwork and just things in my home. Picture in my home like Waterhouse's "The Lady of Shalott". I had other prints like "St. George and the Dragon", "The White Girl", ...I had two very old prints that had come from my great aunt's plantation that were very Greek temple looking, had a mythological feel to them. I had strange little nic nacs like fairies, unicorns, dragons, little carved boxes and vases...it was just a certain "feel" to the place that is totally gone now. Maybe that seems kind of strange to some of you, but they were things that I had collected over the years or that people had given to me as gifts. Very eclectic, but very "me". I am such a wierdo geeky nerd! I laugh at myself about it though. Fits in with the reading genres, comics and my movie preferences as well.

WRITING! Before kids, I wrote almost everyday. I mean really, everyday. I started journaling when I was twelve. I have tons of things I have written. I have just boring 'this was my day today' stuff and then I have stories, and poems, and essays. Now, I'm doing well to write in this blog once a week! but I am writing in it again....and that's better than not writing at all! It's just so hard to find the time to sit down and collect my thoughts and write. (I am writing this at midnight after everyone else has gone to bed) I miss writing so much. I wrote every night before going to bed. It might not have been anything more than a paragraph, but it always helped me to shut down my thoughts for the night so I could sleep. I think that's why I have such a hard time with insomnia now. I have too many thoughts still running around that should be down on paper.

I used to love to go exploring the crazy old junk stores, antique stores, and second hand stores. Alot of the cool things I had were "found" treasures. I like old things, vintage clothing, old furniture.... I miss my old furniture. We have some really nice antique pieces here in our home that were passed down to us. I love them too. I just miss having that time to go explore. It will come again I know...I'm just being impatient.

I used to watch t.v. shows. Now, by the time I get the kids in bed and get back downstairs, the shows I want to watch are over, Brad wants to watch a movie, or just go to bed. One of the problems is, he doesn't like the same kind of shows I do. I'm not sure what kind of shows he does like. We were getting series on Netflix to watch and the only one we ever finished was the Sopranos. We started 24 but we both decided at Season 7? that we were done with that one. We were watching Lost but stopped when they went back to civilization. Can't get him to watch anymore. We started watching Heroes but he lost interest in that too. Tried to watch "V"..nope, watched True Blood, nope. Have tried to get him to watch American Idol..nope, Glee..nope, Arrested Development..nope. He says everything is stupid...and I wonder where Kenzie gets that phrase....duh! I loved watching "adult" cartoonslike South Park, King of the Hill, The Simpsons.... He can't stand them. It's so frustratingly difficult to find some common ground. I suppose I could DVR the shows I wanted to watch but then when am I supposed to watch them? And what fun is it to watch something by yourself and not have anyone to talk with about what you just watched...ugh!

I used to love to cook. I'm not even going into that one....

I also used to cross stitch and just do some crafty type stuff now and then. It's just hard to do that kind of stuff with the girls around. They are just too curious and want to get into everything.

I was a teacher before moving to Ohio. I taught English Grammar and Literature. I've also taught classes in Creative Writing and Classical Mythology. I loved teaching, I loved my kids. I miss being in the classroom. I taught for almost 6 years and during that time I taught different age groups. 12th grade one year, 11th grade two years, 9th grade one year, 7th and 8th for 4 years. I loved the middle school age kids the best. They were old enought to grasp some adult concepts and still young enough to do "fun" stuff. I suppose I could always go back to teaching, but I'm just not sure I want to have to deal with all the other things that go with teaching. If I could just go in the classroom and do the teaching I'd do it in a heartbeat. It's all the other junk you have to deal with that I don't want again. I'm pretty positive that I WILL sign up to substitute. It's not really the same, but it would still be something close.

I don't know, as the girls get older and begin to be more independant I'm sure I will "find" part of myself again. It's just so hard sometimes to be on "hold".


Bernie said...

Sadly, I am an expert at losing identity in a marriage. My advice: don’t let it happen. Looks like you have a wonderful family and I bet they’d be supportive of your efforts to do some things that you want to do just because you want to do them. Maybe hubbie and the kids can find a way to give you a night off sometimes to hang with your girlfriends or take a class. Writing for your blog more regularly is a good start too. Blogging helped me turn my life back in the direction I want it to go over the past couple of years and, thanks in part to you, it helped me find an incredible new friend. I never would have met her if I hadn't read your blog. :)

Crysta said...

You are phenomenal. You will find yourself again...but kids will still say "Hey, Kenzie's Mom, will you tie my show?" You have to get away from them to be LeeAndra :) Love ya!

Crysta said...

Don't worry, it won't last long. You'll get your groove back a little at a time. I'm groovin more and more each day :)