Sunday, November 05, 2006

In Between Days

Continuing from "Two Lives":

So...there I was: 30 years old and divorced. Not what I had planned for my life at all. "The Plan" was to be married, two children, nice home, nice job, 28 years of age. Obviously, I had to come up with a new plan.

The new plan: not to have a plan! I decided to just date and be free and have some fun. It was extremely hard at first. Everytime I went out I would feel I was cheating. I had a hard time dealing with the fact that I wasn't committed to one person anymore.

Dating in your 30's is weird. I dated younger guys, older guys, and guys my same age. Only one of them wanted to just date and have some fun without getting all mired in seriousness. I had just gotten out of a totally serious relationship. I wasn't looking for that again. For some reason everyone I dated wanted to get married. I've thought about it alot. What was the deal? I thought guys were supposed to be the ones who DIDN'T want committment...

I think part of the problem was that everyone I dated had never been married. They were looking for "the one", I was so far from being anyone's "one" there wasn't even a chance for them. I just wasn't in the same place they were and it was hard on them.

Now, I did really, really like a few of the guys I went out with. Maybe at another time things could have been different. I truly believe that every one of them, and everything I went through was leading me to when I would meet Brad. Preparing me to know when I had met the person who was right for me.

I did some very brave things while I was single. I had to prove to myself that I COULD function again on my own. I took two massive road trips. Once I drove all the way to Detroit and back, and once I drove to Chicago and back. I even drove through Chicago during rush hour traffic. I was so proud of myself....but I still had to have my friend come out and parallel park my car for me when I got the their house....

I made some stupid mistakes, but I think we all do... like I said..I had to go through some things to get me to the point where I would know that Brad was the right person for me. I got my own apartment...lived on my own for about a year..then had to get a roomie because I just couldn't afford the rent on my own.

I bought a Mustang. :) Very nice dark red, gray leather interior, black detailing, black drop top. Sooooooooo cool. I loved that car so much. My dad loved it too. He went with me when I bought it. The first time I looked out the dealership window and saw my liscense plate on the back of it I about passed out. I know that sounds silly, but I had always always wanted a red Mustang covertible. It was my dream car....and I had it!

I spent A LOT of time on the computer. Probably too much time, but it had been my escape while I was having my marriage problems and I still went there for my social outlet. There isn't much to do where I was living. I was so not into the club scene anymore and I knew everyone my age where I lived. I dated quite a few guys I met online. It could be scary but you just have to be careful.

I watched t.v. again, movies again, I even worked part time at a video/book store. That was fun, but they were dicks about being sick. I had strep throat, 103 fever, and they told me I had to come in to work. Nice huh? I quit instead. I did alot of reading...a lot of soul searching.

What was I looking for? What did I need to change about myself? Did I want to even get married again? I really thought during that time, I was going to be an old maid. I was going to be the creepy old teacher who lived in the haunted looking house. The crazy woman who had 100's of cats running around and chased little kids off her lawn. I had given up the thought of having any children. I wasn't too happy about it, but I had come to peace with the idea.

It was a fun time, discovering myself again. It was a hard time, dealing with the financial burdens of being single again, the emotional baggage, the whole dating scene at 30. It was definitely a learning time for me.

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