Valentine's Day

Yesterday was Valentine's Day. You know what we did special? Absolutely nothing!!! Hee hee. I did get Brad a card from me and one from the girls. He got me a beautiful pink rose and a card from him and one from the girls. We both got the girls a balloon, and he got them a bear and a gorrilla. Very cute. Kenzie has been carrying around the stuffed animals all day.

The weather was so nice today I took the girls for a walk this morning. They love going for walks in the stroller. Kenzie just sings and kicks her feet.

Lyanna slept good last night!! She made it from 1 - 5:30!!!!! I couldn't believe it. But...I feel more tired today than I have in a long time. I actually fell asleep on the couch feeding her. Kenzie was so tired she fell asleep in her lunch. I mean literally face first into her plate. It was rather cute.

Soooo, I tried the drugs from the psychiatrist.... VERY VERY BAD!!! I totally freaked out on them. He started me out on 25mg of Zoloft. A very small amount, but it made me manic. I couldn't sit still, I couldn't focus my attention on anything, I was pacing around the house like mad. My head felt like it was full of cotton. Not cool, not cool at all. How do people do drugs that do that to them and function...or like it? It's beyond me. After that I decided I DO NOT want to take any drugs for my anxiety/depression.

I have ordered a light spectrum lamp. Maybe getting that "sunlight" will help me, and my diet and exercising should be helping some too. I'm not as bad as I was right after Lyanna was born. My psychologist says it's totally up to me and she thinks I will be fine without drugs, but I will still have panic attacks at times.

I also asked her about the "inner voice" of the girls. She says that since they are so little thy don't have the language to have that voice but they think in pictures...now how they can know that for a fact I don't know. I guess that's the "theory". It makes sense though.

I'm CRRRRAAAZZZYYYY!!!

Not too much going on. At least I don't think there is. I went to the ob/gyn today. Everything is good she says. I have to go for my first mammogram in 3 months. I am a "mature" woman now, so says the nurse...whatever. Lyanna went to the doctor on Tuesday for her 4 month check up and shots. She weighs 14 pounds now. She is getting so big!!!

I'm still not getting good sleep at night. Lyanna wakes up every 2 hours wanting to eat. I've tried to put her back down without eating but she's not having it...it sucks very much cause I'm tired as hell. I'm still doing my workouts everyday and eating on my diet...I don't think it's working yet. According to the home scale I've lost almost 5 lbs. According the doctor's office scale I've lost 1. Sheesh!!!!

I go to the psychiatrist tomorrow...see if he wants me to start taking drugs for my post partem depression/anxiety. I'm feeling much better as time goes by, but I don't want to feel these anxious episodes...almost panic attacks anymore. That's not me! I used to be this totally outgoing person, I loved to go places and meet new people and just go out. Now I get freaked out if I have to leave the house most times....ugh! I hate feeling like that.

I just need to find my identity again. It's gotten lost and tied up with the babies and diapers and toys and cartoons and such... bleh!!!