Continuing from "Two Lives":
So...there I was: 30 years old and divorced. Not what I had planned for my life at all. "The Plan" was to be married, two children, nice home, nice job, etc...by 28 years of age. Obviously, I had to come up with a new plan.
The new plan: not to have a plan! I decided to just date and be free and have some fun. It was extremely hard at first. Everytime I went out I would feel guilty....like I was cheating. I had a hard time dealing with the fact that I wasn't committed to one person anymore.
Dating in your 30's is weird. I dated younger guys, older guys, and guys my same age. Only one of them wanted to just date and have some fun without getting all mired in seriousness. I had just gotten out of a totally serious relationship. I wasn't looking for that again. For some reason everyone I dated wanted to get married. I've thought about it alot. What was the deal? I thought guys were supposed to be the ones who DIDN'T want committment...
I think part of the problem was that everyone I dated had never been married. They were looking for "the one", I was so far from being anyone's "one" there wasn't even a chance for them. I just wasn't in the same place they were and it was hard on them.
Now, I did really, really like a few of the guys I went out with. Maybe at another time things could have been different. I truly believe that every one of them, and everything I went through was leading me to when I would meet Brad. Preparing me to know when I had met the person who was right for me.
I did some very brave things while I was single. I had to prove to myself that I COULD function again on my own. I took two massive road trips. Once I drove all the way to Detroit and back, and once I drove to Chicago and back. I even drove through Chicago during rush hour traffic. I was so proud of myself....but I still had to have my friend come out and parallel park my car for me when I got the their house....
I made some stupid mistakes, but I think we all do... like I said..I had to go through some things to get me to the point where I would know that Brad was the right person for me. I got my own apartment...lived on my own for about a year..then had to get a roomie because I just couldn't afford the rent on my own.
I bought a Mustang. :) Very nice dark red, gray leather interior, black detailing, black drop top. Sooooooooo cool. I loved that car so much. My dad loved it too. He went with me when I bought it. The first time I looked out the dealership window and saw my liscense plate on the back of it I about passed out. I know that sounds silly, but I had always always wanted a red Mustang covertible. It was my dream car....and I had it!
I spent A LOT of time on the computer. Probably too much time, but it had been my escape while I was having my marriage problems and I still went there for my social outlet. There isn't much to do where I was living. I was so not into the club scene anymore and I knew everyone my age where I lived. I dated quite a few guys I met online. It could be scary but you just have to be careful.
I watched t.v. again, movies again, I even worked part time at a video/book store. That was fun, but they were dicks about being sick. I had strep throat, 103 fever, and they told me I had to come in to work. Nice huh? I quit instead. I did alot of reading...a lot of soul searching.
What was I looking for? What did I need to change about myself? Did I want to even get married again? I really thought during that time, I was going to be an old maid. I was going to be the creepy old teacher who lived in the haunted looking house. The crazy woman who had 100's of cats running around and chased little kids off her lawn. I had given up the thought of having any children. I wasn't too happy about it, but I had come to peace with the idea.
It was a fun time, discovering myself again. It was a hard time, dealing with the financial burdens of being single again, the emotional baggage, the whole dating scene at 30. It was definitely a learning time for me.
Showing posts with label Reflection. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Reflection. Show all posts
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Two Lives
I said I would elaborate on my "two lives". I really do feel like I have had two lives, the life I had when I was with my first husband, and the life I have now with Brad. *Sorry Bernie, I don't think I have any pictures of me with pink hair*
When I met my first husband, Jim, I was in my early 20's. I hadn't finished school and did not have a clue what I really wanted to do with my life. We dated for about a year and 1/2. What we really wanted to do was just move in together. My parents freaked out when we talked to them about it...so he and I discussed it and we decided to just go ahead and get married. We loved each other...so, it seemed like the thing to do. I was 24 and he was 22. We had a huge church wedding with all the bridesmaids and groomsmen and the boofy dress and cake and pictures and stuff. It was absolutely beautiful. The reception was very toned down....in the church fellowship hall, with punch and cake and cookies... no booze in my family!! (said in a gruff trying to be funny voice).
Should we have gotten married, in hindsight...no freaking way. Am I glad that we did, yes I am. I learned so much from that time in my life. He and I were such good friends. We had a blast together. We went to all kinds of movies, we read comic books, played video games, played card games, went thrift store shopping, cooked, watched t.v. shows together...we just enjoyed doing alot of the same things and doing those things together made them even more fun.
I was so outgoing when we met. I had a huge group of friends and was quite the clubbing, party woman. He was not a big socializer and so I became isolated from my friends and lost most of them. As a result, I became more dependant on him for my "fun".
It's easy to remember the bad things that happened in the marriage, but I really really try to think about good things. He was probably the most intelligent person I will ever know. He probably is up there in the genious level. I think that's why he had such a hard time figuring out what he wanted to do with himself. He had so many options available to him, he just couldn't pick one, so instead he did nothing.
We also had three amazing retrievers. I loved those dogs like they were my children. Chapal, Cayenne, and Cosmo...those of you who are familiar with comics should know the name Chapal. It was taken from Spawn. Cayenne is just what you think: pepper. Cosmo was from Seinfeld. One of the shows we watched religiously. I am not even going to go into detail about what happened to them. It upsets me way to much and is too depressing.
I was in nursing school when we met, during our 7 years together, I quit nursing school, went back to college and graduated with my BA in English. He also graduated with his degree in history. We were homeless for about two months the 4th year of our marriage. We had been renting a house and the landlord sold it out from under us without telling us...we had to move out and couldn't find a new place in time. I lived with my brother and he stayed with friends..it was really weird at the time and it was over Thanksgiving and Christmas holiday. We bought a house together and went to Florida on vacation with his family. I loved his family as much a my own. One of his sisters even lived with us for awhile. We were poor, but it was okay. We were living the lives of young people free to do whatever they wanted, no kids, going to school. It really was a lot of fun, even being poor.
As we got older our ideas of what we wanted out of life began to change. I wanted to teach school and was working very hard at getting my certification. He decided that he wanted to make more money and took a job that put him on the road most of the year. I think in a 6 month period I saw him 4 times. I wanted stability, a nice home, a family, a "real" job. He decided that wasn't important to him. One of the things I remember him saying was "how could anyone get any kind of satisfaction/gratification from teaching?" He wanted to be mobile, able to travel whenever the urge hit him. The idea of settling down in one place and having kids wasn't what he wanted anymore. He didn't like what I was becoming and I really didn't like what he was becoming either. We just didn't fit anymore...and because of all this and more, we ended up getting divorced. It was very sad, and emotionally difficult. There wasn't any fighting or cheating or any nastiness like that. It went very quickly.
I had lost my best friend, and the person who I had thought was going to be my partner forever... The things I had loved to do so much now became dull and painful for me. I quit watching television, I quit going to movies. I gave up my comic book reading, and sold my cards. I didn't go thrift shopping and wear funky clothes anymore, and I quit doing fun things with my hair. Maybe it was because of the divorce and the loss, but maybe part of it was because I was finally growing up.
*I will continue this....*
When I met my first husband, Jim, I was in my early 20's. I hadn't finished school and did not have a clue what I really wanted to do with my life. We dated for about a year and 1/2. What we really wanted to do was just move in together. My parents freaked out when we talked to them about it...so he and I discussed it and we decided to just go ahead and get married. We loved each other...so, it seemed like the thing to do. I was 24 and he was 22. We had a huge church wedding with all the bridesmaids and groomsmen and the boofy dress and cake and pictures and stuff. It was absolutely beautiful. The reception was very toned down....in the church fellowship hall, with punch and cake and cookies... no booze in my family!! (said in a gruff trying to be funny voice).
Should we have gotten married, in hindsight...no freaking way. Am I glad that we did, yes I am. I learned so much from that time in my life. He and I were such good friends. We had a blast together. We went to all kinds of movies, we read comic books, played video games, played card games, went thrift store shopping, cooked, watched t.v. shows together...we just enjoyed doing alot of the same things and doing those things together made them even more fun.
I was so outgoing when we met. I had a huge group of friends and was quite the clubbing, party woman. He was not a big socializer and so I became isolated from my friends and lost most of them. As a result, I became more dependant on him for my "fun".
It's easy to remember the bad things that happened in the marriage, but I really really try to think about good things. He was probably the most intelligent person I will ever know. He probably is up there in the genious level. I think that's why he had such a hard time figuring out what he wanted to do with himself. He had so many options available to him, he just couldn't pick one, so instead he did nothing.
We also had three amazing retrievers. I loved those dogs like they were my children. Chapal, Cayenne, and Cosmo...those of you who are familiar with comics should know the name Chapal. It was taken from Spawn. Cayenne is just what you think: pepper. Cosmo was from Seinfeld. One of the shows we watched religiously. I am not even going to go into detail about what happened to them. It upsets me way to much and is too depressing.
I was in nursing school when we met, during our 7 years together, I quit nursing school, went back to college and graduated with my BA in English. He also graduated with his degree in history. We were homeless for about two months the 4th year of our marriage. We had been renting a house and the landlord sold it out from under us without telling us...we had to move out and couldn't find a new place in time. I lived with my brother and he stayed with friends..it was really weird at the time and it was over Thanksgiving and Christmas holiday. We bought a house together and went to Florida on vacation with his family. I loved his family as much a my own. One of his sisters even lived with us for awhile. We were poor, but it was okay. We were living the lives of young people free to do whatever they wanted, no kids, going to school. It really was a lot of fun, even being poor.
As we got older our ideas of what we wanted out of life began to change. I wanted to teach school and was working very hard at getting my certification. He decided that he wanted to make more money and took a job that put him on the road most of the year. I think in a 6 month period I saw him 4 times. I wanted stability, a nice home, a family, a "real" job. He decided that wasn't important to him. One of the things I remember him saying was "how could anyone get any kind of satisfaction/gratification from teaching?" He wanted to be mobile, able to travel whenever the urge hit him. The idea of settling down in one place and having kids wasn't what he wanted anymore. He didn't like what I was becoming and I really didn't like what he was becoming either. We just didn't fit anymore...and because of all this and more, we ended up getting divorced. It was very sad, and emotionally difficult. There wasn't any fighting or cheating or any nastiness like that. It went very quickly.
I had lost my best friend, and the person who I had thought was going to be my partner forever... The things I had loved to do so much now became dull and painful for me. I quit watching television, I quit going to movies. I gave up my comic book reading, and sold my cards. I didn't go thrift shopping and wear funky clothes anymore, and I quit doing fun things with my hair. Maybe it was because of the divorce and the loss, but maybe part of it was because I was finally growing up.
*I will continue this....*
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